Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
