apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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