yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
