the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
