you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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