That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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