You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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