true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
