I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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