I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
