Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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