Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
