i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
