You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
