Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
