Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
