I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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