My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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