He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Found the puke drawer
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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