none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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