Soap is not a condiment
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
