We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
