just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
