I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
