I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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