Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
