I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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