Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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