john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
