I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
