maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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