Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
