I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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