about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
