I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
