I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Couch. On fire.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
