Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
