I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
