Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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