So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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