"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
