she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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