i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
