Ketchup is God's man juice
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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