Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
