My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
