last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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