I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
