cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
