Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i drank out of a bidet.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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