its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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